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When your partner dies: supporting your children

© Child Bereavement Charity 2008 

WHEN YOUR PARTNER DIES: SUPPORTING YOUR CHILDREN

INFORMATION FOR SURVIVING PARENTS/ CARERS

There can be nothing more painful for a child than the death of their Mum or Dad. It is natural as the surviving parent to want to protect your children in painful situations, possibly keeping from them what has actually happened, or trying to hide your own upset feelings. Children tell us that sometimes this protection is not what they want: it can leave them feeling left out and confused. As a parent, you can't help but communicate with your children; even very small children manage to pick up from our body language that something serious has happened. The very bits of adult conversation we would rather they didn't hear tend to be what they remember. They watch us and will notice and be affected by your reactions even when they are too young to fully understand what might be happening. They know when something significant has happened, and they are capable of taking in and making sense of more than adults tend to realise.

As a parent, it is understandable that your main concern will be your children. Managing your own grief at the same time as being the only parent to your children and supporting them can be a daunting prospect.  Try not to expect too much of yourself. The way you manage this enormous loss yourself and how you help your children will have a significant impact on their ability to cope both now and in the future. Finding ways to support yourself is vital. If you are supported to meet the needs of your children they will manage when someone important in their life dies.

The courage it takes to talk to your children about death cannot be underestimated. This is a huge responsibility, which can feel overwhelming. What can help you when you have to make tough decisions is to concentrate on what feels right for you and your children. You know your children best. The most important and helpful thing for them is stability, time with you, a familiar routine and being reassured you love them and are there for them.  You will learn to feel more confident in helping them with their grief. Your family will undoubtedly be changed by what has happened, but this does not necessarily mean you or your children will be damaged.
 

Children need information and explanations that are honest, simple and in language they understand. What they don't know, they will tend to make up. They need to be included and to be able to trust the adults around them.

 You are likely to need to repeat information many times and answer lots of questions. Children often need things repeated to help them make sense of what has happened. Children can only take in a little information at a time, especially when it is upsetting and becomes difficult to hear. As the surviving parent you are likely to be exhausted and struggling with your own grief, and being asked the same questions over and over again can be extremely hard. But this is their way of trying to make sense of what has happened.

 Do your best to let your children know what will happen next. Children need to feel secure and naturally feel very worried about what could happen next, even on a very practical level, such as who will put them to bed tonight, help them with their homework.

 Children are likely to worry immediately about how this will impact on them, like who will cook their tea or take them to football. It is helpful to be aware that children find it difficult to be different, and will also worry about this.

 Children's reactions will vary greatly from showing extreme distress, screaming and crying to looking blank as if nothing has happened, or even giggling nervously - all are normal.

Children may want to see the person who has died

It can be helpful for children to be given the choice of seeing their parent who has died, as this can help them accept the reality of what has happened. Preparing your children for this important goodbye is vital. It is helpful if someone can support you to see your partner's body first, so that you are aware of what they look like and can describe to your child the room they are in, where they are, what they are dressed in etc.

Children need to be given information:
 
 About where their dead parent's body is being looked after - the place and the person
 that adults can take them to see their parent if they want to
 that adults will tell them what their parent will look like before they go in to see them

Rather than tell children what they can or should do, it is better if you can show them by example. If you touch your partner's hand, for example, this will show the child that they can do this, but it is important that you d not tell the children what they should do. 

Even when a person's body is seriously damaged, it may be possible for the children to see part of the body they will recognise, for example a hand with familiar rings, a watch etc.

In visiting the chapel of rest, children might like to take something with them to leave with their parent - this may be a drawing they have done, a letter or a poem they have written that can be placed in the coffin.


Children tell us it helps when they are included in the funeral

 When planning the funeral or memorial service, try to involve children as much as possible and give them the opportunity to have something special to them included e.g. a poem or music. In circumstances where the funeral has been a very large event, some families have chosen have chosen to do an additional smaller service just for the children.
 
 Prepare children for what will happen, and who will be there

 Explain that some people may be upset or tearful, and that this is what always happens at a funeral

 Ask someone close to your child to join you and the children so they can support them at the funeral and be with the children if they get upset and decide they want to go out. This can also help if you are overwhelmed with your own grief and feel worried about being able to support your child

 For young children take something to occupy them such as a favourite toy, crayons, books etc

 Talk about the funeral afterwards - the people who were able to be there came because they cared about your mummy/daddy. This sharing can help the child identify the people who still care for them.

 If your children choose not to attend the funeral, remember there are other options such as a private family farewell at a graveside, or doing something special to remember the person who has died.

Children's understanding and reactions are likely to vary. Children - even very young children - can and do grieve as much as adults, but the way in which children understand and react will be influenced by:

 how close they were to the person who died
 what has actually happened
 the child's stage of development
 their emotional maturity
 their experiences in life so far, and
 your family's cultural and spiritual beliefs

It is important when talking with children about the death that we use language appropriate to their level of understanding.  Although a child's age does not give an automatic level of understanding, the following offers some broad guidance as how children understand death at different stages in their development. It is important to remember that adults, adolescents and children often regress to being younger when something as big as the death of a parent happens.

Children under 2 years old

* Long before they are able to talk, babies are likely to react to upset and changes in their environment brought about by the disappearance of a significant person who responded to their needs on a daily basis

* Toddlers might show a basic understanding of death when they see a dead bird or insect in the garden but they do not usually understand the implications of this, such as the dead bird cannot feel anything or won't ever get up again

Children from 2 to 5 years old

* Tend to think very literally, therefore it is important to avoid offering explanations of death such as ‘gone away' or ‘gone to sleep' that may cause misunderstandings and confusion

* Often struggle with abstract concepts like ‘forever' and find it difficult to grasp that death is permanent. Their limited understanding may lead to an apparent lack of reaction when told about a death


Children of primary school age

* Begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent and final. They may be fascinated with the physical aspects of death or the rituals surrounding it

* May see death as a person who might ‘come to get you' or ‘catch you' if you are unlucky

* Begin to develop their imagination and ‘magical thinking', which reinforces the belief that their thoughts or actions caused the death and can lead them to fill in the gaps in their knowledge

* Mostly have an awareness of death having a cause and being irreversible, but at younger ages do not necessarily see it as inevitable, particularly in relation to themselves


* As they get older, begin to have a more mature understanding of death, realising that it is final, permanent, universal and an unavoidable part of life

* Can become fearful as a result of their deepening realisation of the possibility of their own future death

Adolescents


* Grief may be compounded by the struggles of adolescence, finding it hard to ask for support while trying to show the world they are independent.

* Often have their own beliefs and strongly held views, and may challenge the beliefs and explanations offered by others

As children grow they develop unevenly, so from time to time they seem to make leaps of understanding. This often happens at about 5/6 years old and at 10, then again in early and late adolescence. When this happens children may need to talk about what happened and go over it again to fit it into their new view of the world.

Revisiting their grief in this way is something children do naturally and is not an indication that the way they were supported earlier in their grief was inadequate.


Stability, discipline and routine are important in helping children feel secure

 Sending children away to friends or more distant family members in order to protect them is not necessarily the best thing for them. Ideally, children need to stay in familiar surroundings with people who are part of their day-to-day life, and do the things they normally do as far as possible.

 Their sense of security will be shaken by such a significant loss, and this can make children feel very anxious. They will need affection and often more cuddles than usual.

 Children need lots of reassurance about who they have in their life to support them after a parent has died. Things that can seem quite trivial to a grieving adult, such as ‘Who will make my lunch now?' or ‘Who will take me to football?' may be very natural concerns for younger children.

 Older children may be more aware of the other losses that might have to occur, and have concerns such as ‘Will we be able to stay in this house?' or ‘Will I still be able to go to college/university?'

 Children can worry that you or other people important to them might become ill and die too and may suffer separation anxiety. When you are apart, letting them know when you will be home is important - children can become very concerned when their surviving parent is late

 They may wonder if it is their turn next, and fear that death is ‘catching'. It is not unusual for children to develop symptoms similar to those of the parent who died. It is helpful to listen and take this seriously, and to offer reassurance and a loving response.

 Maintaining normal levels of discipline, not letting children do as they please because they are grieving and keeping normal boundaries are important ways of helping children feel secure.


Children need help in expressing and understanding their feelings

 Be prepared to listen over and over again - telling the story helps children make sense of their parent's death - and to answer repeated questions. Younger children do this as a way of checking out the reality of what has happened.
 
 Children learn how to grieve by watching the adults around them. Don't be afraid to show your child how you feel - hiding your own feelings to protect your child can leave them confused about the feelings they have. Children may feel they should copy this behaviour too, and bottle up their emotions.

 As adults, we instinctively want to protect children, but children are also very good at protecting the adults around them and as a result may at times choose to hide their feelings for fear of upsetting you.

 Younger children have a short concentration span and are unable to tolerate intense emotions for long, so they may switch abruptly from crying to playing. The temptation is to become over-anxious about them when they show emotion, and not to ‘rock the boat' when they seem OK, but both are normal aspects of the way children respond to grief.

 Sometimes, children will ‘act out' elements of the story of their parent's death, and this can be disturbing to the adults around them. It is important to remember that this is one way in which children can begin to make sense of what has happened.

 Explain to the child that they will have periods of feeling happy where they may temporarily forget the death of their parent/sibling and that this is normal

 Children often don't have our adult words to describe how they feel. Normal grief may show itself in behaviour such as naughtiness, anger, sleep disturbance, clinging and reverting to being more babyish, or being more grown up, extremely good and wanting to please. This behaviour is only a cause for concern when it lasts for a long time and affects the child's ability to engage with life.

 Over the coming months children may show increased worry and anxiety or irritability. They may be more clingy than usual and be anxious at being separated from you.

 Anger is a common reaction to loss. Children can feel very angry with the parent who has died and left them, or with you for surviving. If the death was sudden, there will have been no opportunity to say goodbye. They may have bitter regrets about something they said or wish they had said. The child may also feel there is less of the surviving parents' attention, which often is a reality because you are now a lone parent.

 If their parent was ill for a long time before the death, they may feel relieved that they have died. They may also have resented how life changed when they were ill and feel guilty about these understandable emotions.

 It is not unusual for children of any age to feel responsible in some way for the death, however irrational this may seem. The younger the child, the more scope there is for them to think that their thoughts, wishes or actions made it happen, or that they could have done something to prevent it. Little children up to about the age of 6 or 7 go through a period of ‘magical thinking' where they have great belief in their own powers. They will need overt reassurance that they are not to blame.

 Simple books written about loss and death, and young people's websites with information on grief and loss can help their understanding of what has happened and the emotions they are experiencing


It is important and helpful to talk to your child's teachers at school so that all staff are aware of what has happened and the key teacher can keep in communication with you.

Children need to be involved in what their school friends are told, and given the opportunity to say what would help them when they return to school. They may need time out and have someone they know they can go to if they are feeling upset. This needs to be thought about and discussed with teachers.

Creative work may give opportunities for them to show feelings so understanding teachers can encourage this. It is not helpful to exclude bereaved children from any activities e.g. Mother's day, Father's day

Most children do not want to be seen as different so should not be singled out for privileges. Often, school offers stability and routine when it feels like life at home has been turned upside-down and everyone is different.

Good communication between school and home is essential to ensure everyone is aware of how your child is managing.

You might like to let your child's school know that the Child Bereavement Charity produces an Information Pack for schools and has a teacher's section on its website at www.childbereavement.org.uk We can also offer support to your child's school.

Friends are very important to children, and especially to teenagers who are perhaps more likely to prefer to talk to their friends than to family members.

Remember above all that children are children and need to have fun and to do things they enjoy - playing in itself is a therapy. Encourage your child to see their friends and help them to tell their friends what has happened. Explain how you share your feelings, who you talk to and how it helps.

Some friends may like suggestions about ways they can be supportive, otherwise their embarrassment at not knowing what to do or say can feel excluding to a child who is grieving. Be mindful that children can be cruel in the playground, and sadly some bereaved children get bullied.

Children may also at times feel jealous of their friends who still have their mum or dad.
 

Memories make the difference. Children are helped greatly when they are supported in finding ways to remember things they and others did with their parent before they died. Some things that children have found helpful are:

 Looking together with you at photographs of their parent who has died

 Sharing family stories or memories of events involving the child and their parent

 Choosing and being able to keep an item of clothing worn by their parent

 Playing music their parent loved

 A scrap book made about their parent who has died

 A collage of pictures e.g. Daddy as the husband, Daddy as the father, Daddy as the friend

 Putting together a memory box for each child in the family containing tangible reminders of the person who has died. This should be their personal collection of reminders of who that person was and what they meant to them. It also gives a child some control back in their lives as they choose what does and what does not go into their memory box.


Looking after yourself is essential in supporting your child

Managing life and your own grief at the same time as being a surviving parent to your child/children is exhausting. Try not to expect too much of yourself - you can only manage a day at a time.

What do you find helps you? Try to find a way of making some time for yourself to recharge your batteries. This may feel ‘selfish', but it will ultimately help you be better placed to support your child.

Some bereaved parents and children have found it valuable to meet others in similar circumstances (e.g. The Way Foundation - see below). This can help us feel less alone and different.

Where the circumstances surrounding the death are particularly traumatic, you may need more specialist bereavement guidance for yourself and for your children might need further help. The Child Bereavement Charity Support & Information and Support Line on 01494 568900 will be able to signpost you to appropriate support.

Helpful Organisations

Child Bereavement Charity
The Saunderton Estate
Wycombe Road
Saunderton
Buckinghamshire
HP14 4BF
Tel: 01494 568900
Web: www.childbereavement.org.uk
Email: enquiries [at] childbereavement [dot] org [dot] uk

Our Information and Support Service is available to both bereaved families and the professionals who come in to contact with them as part of their work.
We offer a confidential listening service, 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday, for anyone who would like to talk about their experiences, or who has concerns about how to support bereaved parents and children.
 
We also offer a signposting service, providing contact details for helpful organisations, both local and national, and can suggest relevant resources and reading materials.
 
Our website contains a wealth of information for families and professionals which is free to download. Families may like to join our 'Families Forum' - a welcoming environment in which to share experiences. We also offer a professionals forum for sharing ideas and best practice with peers nationwide. Both forums are free of charge. In addition, our new Young People's Advisory Forum will give bereaved young people a chance to make their voices heard. We invite them to contribute their comments and suggestions on new CBT initiatives and resources and to share their experiences in order to improve the understanding by professionals of the needs of this particular group.

CHYPS (Children and Young People's Service) is our new DfES funded initiative which offers support to bereaved children and their families in Buckinghamshire. By becoming part of a CHYPS group, families are offered an opportunity to meet, share and explore their feelings through talk, play and creativity.

Bereavement and Learning Disabilities
Tel:  01782 556653
Web: www.bereavementanddisability.org.uk
This website is for everyone who seeks information on Bereavement and Learning Disabilities, wants help and maybe looking for useful links and resources.


Brake Care
Tel:  01484 559909
Fax:  01484 559983
Web: www.brake.org.uk
BrakeCare helpline for road crash victims: 01484 421611
When someone you love dies in a road crash, or you, or a loved one, is seriously injured, it is devastating. BrakeCare, a division of Brake, is dedicated to providing help and support for bereaved and injured victims.


Childhood Bereavement Network
8 Wakley Street
London
EC1V 7QE
Tel: 020 7843 6309
Web: www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk
The Childhood Bereavement Network ‘seeks to ensure that all children and young people in the UK, together with their families and other caregivers, including professional carers, can easily access a choice of high-quality local and national information, guidance and support to enable them to manage the impact of death on their lives.' It has an online directory, which is regularly updated with open access services for bereaved children, young people and those caring for them.


Cruse Bereavement Care
Tel:  0844 4779400
Web:     www.cruse.org.uk
This national organisation offers support to anyone who is bereaved. They have local support groups (call number above for local contact details) and produce helpful resources.
RD4U
Tel: 0808 808 1677
Web:     www.rd4u.org.uk
This is the children and young people's branch of Cruse Bereavement Care. The website contains helpful information for bereaved young people aged 12-18 years, a forum for sharing feelings and links to other organisations.     
 

Donor Family Network
9 Fairyfield Avenue
Great Barr
Birmingham
B43 6AG
Tel: 0121 357 7271
Fax:    0121 357 7271
Em:    info [at] donorfamilynetwork [dot] co [dot] uk
Web: www.donorfamilynetwork.co.uk
Offer information and support on all issues around organ donation.


MAMAA - Mothers Against Murder and Aggression
Tel: 07973 166970 - Dee Edwards Co-founder
 07960 994862 - Lyn Costello Co-founder
Web: www.mamaa.org
MAMAA is a national registered charity which supports and campaigns on behalf of families and friends of murder victims and aims to not only help families through the process of the court system and trial but to provide a link to other agencies and support groups.


SAMM   Support After Murder or Manslaughter
Tel: 020 7735 3838
Web: www.samm.org.uk
SAMM offers understanding and support to families and friends, who have been bereaved as a result of murder and manslaughter, through the mutual support of others who have suffered a similar tragedy.


SOBS   Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide
Tel: 0870 241 3337 (9am to 9pm every day)
Web:   www.uk-sobs.org.uk
SOBS exists to meet the needs and break the isolation of those bereaved by the suicide of a close relative or friend, offering emotional and practical support in a number of ways: telephone contacts, bereavement packs, group meetings (in a number of locations), one-day conferences and residential events. SOBS can also provide information relating to practical issues and problems and aims to provide a safe, confidential environment, in which bereaved people can share their experiences and feelings, so giving and gaining support from each other.


The Child Death Helpline
Tel:       0800 282 986
Web:    www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk
This helpline is run from Great Ormond Street Hospital, but is open to all. The  helpline is a listening service that offers emotional support to all those affected by the death of a child, whether family, friends or professionals. It is staffed by bereaved parents who are supervised by trained counsellors.
The helpline is open 365 days a year.
Every evening 7.00 p.m. to 10.00 p.m.
Monday to Friday mornings 10.00 a.m. to 1.00 p.m.
and Wednesday afternoons 1.00 - 4.00 p.m.
 

The Compassionate Friends
Tel:       08451 232304
Web:     www.tcf.org.uk
Compassionate Friends offer support for bereaved parents, including local groups (call number above for local contact details) and befriending. They also offer specialised support groups for grandparents, siblings and parents who have lost their only child. Their website contains many useful leaflets regarding bereavement.
Shadow of Suicide (SoS) also offers support where a child has taken his or her own life
TCF Sibling Support: The Compassionate Friends now have a separate website for siblings at www.tcfsiblingsupport.org.uk


The WAY Foundation
PO Box 6767
Brackley
NN13 6YW
Tel: 0870 011 3450
Email: info [at] wayfoundation [dot] org [dot] uk
WAY offers support and friendship to young bereaved people, whatever their circumstances, however long ago their partner died. WAY helps men and women up to the age of 50, parents and those without children.
WAY aims to provide a social and support network to help young widows and widowers rebuild their lives after they've been shattered by the death of a partner. Members' children are an important part of the organisation and they are welcomed too.

Winston's Wish

4th Floor
St James's House
St James Square
Cheltenham
Gloucestershire
GL50 3PR
Tel:   0845 20 30 40 5
Web:  www.winstonswish.org.uk
This charity offers a national Family Line for anyone who is caring for a bereaved child, or when someone in the family has a life limiting illness. They also produce a range of supportive literature for children, their parents or carers, and have a child friendly website.

© Child Bereavement Charity 2008 

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