For most of us holidays and special times like Christmas mean being with family and friends. Newspapers and television give us a very false picture of everyone getting what they want and being happy!
We might be able to remember some special times, but after someone in the family has died we can feel so different and have to think again about what we want to do at these times. This does not mean that we are never going to enjoy them again, but they will be different. It will be difficult to plan the first Christmas or family holiday after the person has died because inside us, we don't want to spend that time without that person who was important to us.
There are other things to think about too. If your Mum or Dad has died, there may not be as much money to spend; it will be harder for one parent to manage all that has to be done in planning a holiday. These are very big things in the first year and it can help to remember that it won't necessarily be that hard again in the years that follow.
Sarah was 8 and her sister Zoë was 7 when their Dad died. "A couple of weeks later we went to Brownie Camp. People were saying how their Dads took them to football matches and everything. It seemed like they were doing it on purpose and I just ran out because it made me really upset." (from the DVD Someone Died -"It happened to me" )
How do other families manage these times?
There is no right or wrong way to spend these times but it can be helpful to hear from other families what worked for them and how some things were really hard.
Lozzie and Christina were 8 and 10 when their baby sister Chloe was stillborn. "Christmas was nice. We went to see Chloe on Christmas Day. She had loads of decorations on her grave." The family accepted that they could not pretend it was an ordinary Christmas, and they decided to include Chloe in the activities of the day.
Mark, his brother and his Mum decided that the first Christmas without their Dad would be too hard if they stayed at home so they used some insurance money to fly away to a Caribbean island where Christmas could not have been more different from how they ususally celebrated it. The sun shone and there were lots of water sports to enjoy. However when the next Christmas was discussed, they all agreed that they wanted to stay at home.
Geoff was 13 when his Mum died -"The first Christmas was really strange because she had always been there and now it was just my Dad, my sister; my brother and me. It made it harder but we coped."
Anthony was 15 when his Dad died "I think the hardest side of Christmas was being at home, being with my Grandad, being with my Mum and it was just soulless really, there was nothing really to be happy about."
Most families feel the way Geoff and Anthony did. Even though everyone tries their best, there are reminders everywhere that there is someone important missing. It's harder if you try and do things the same way as before. So how can you make things different? One way is to invite someone to join you; this needs planning but can be completely different, even if there are more squabbles! New games can be played; the time you eat can be changed. Christmas can be just a bit different. One Dad did this for his two children and though he was exhausted afterwards, he felt that playing charades with the other family who joined them for Christmas day had helped. It is equally important to give yourself some time and space during the day to remember the person who has died.
Holidays too will be different
Sally and her husband had always taken their three boys camping. Sally knew she couldn't manage to do this on her own so she decided to miss a holiday in the first year and saved hardto rent a villa in Portugal. She was very nervous about going on her own so she asked a friend who was also on her own if she would like to share the villa. The six children were aged from 5 to 15, and she was a bit worried about how they would all get on, but the families made it work and have very fond memories of the holiday.
Perhaps the message these families are giving us is that if we don't hope for too much, something nice may be possible. Of course there will be other difficult days too - like the anniversary of the death, birthdays, sports days, school plays and events, Father's and Mother's Days, Brownie/Guide and Cub/Scout Camps. There are things you can do which might help on these difficult days.
Finella was 12 when her Mum died. When she was 14 she became very angry with girls in her class who made remarks about her not needing to send a Mother's Day card, as her mother was dead. This was really cruel. Sensibly she told her teacher how upset she felt. Her teacher reminded her that she could remember her Mum on this special day with flowers and she encouraged Finella to talk about her mother with her.
So - no-one can replace the person who has died, nothing can replace the times you have had together or fill the gap that has been left in your life, but new experiences and different ways of doing things can help.