Children and Young people mature at different rates and their understanding and responses to bereavement are likely to be based as much on their experience of life as on their chronological age. The age categories given are guidelines only and it is important to realise that responses do vary and occur at other ages. (Monroe, 1993: Monroe and Kraus, 1996)

2-5 Years
Young children may be beginning to understand the concept of death, but do not appreciate its finality. Some may expect the dead person to reappear –“shall we dig granny up now?” They think in literal and concrete terms and so will be confused by euphemisms for death such as “gone away” or “gone to sleep”. Children of this age may well require repeated explanations of what has happened. As their thinking is very much centred on themselves, they may consider that something they did or said caused the death. They are prone to fantasize at this age and if not told what is happening may dream up something more scary than reality.

5-8 Years
At about five years of age most children realise that dead people are different from those that are alive, that they do not feel, they cannot hear, see, smell or speak and they do not need to eat or drink.  By seven years of age the majority of children accept that death is permanent and that it can happen to anyone. This can result in separation anxiety. They are more able to express their thoughts and feelings but may conceal them and outwardly appear unaffected.  They need to be given an opportunity to ask questions and to be given as much information as possible to allow them to adjust.  They are likely to be very interested in the rituals surrounding death.

8-12 Years
At this age children’s understanding of death almost matches that of an adult, although they find it difficult to grasp abstract concepts.  An important factor is their deepening realisation of the inevitability of death and an increasing awareness of their own mortality and the fear and insecurity that this can cause. The need to know details continues and may seek answers to very specific questions.

Adolescence
The struggle for independence at this age may cause bereaved teenagers to challenge the beliefs and expectations of others as to how they should be feeling or behaving.  Death increases anxieties about the future, they may question the meaning of life and experience depression.  Teenagers may find it easier to discuss their feelings with a sympathetic friend or adult than close family member.  They may be having difficulty coming to terms with their own mortality and that of those close to them and cope by refusing to contemplate the possibility of death by experimenting with risk taking behaviour.

RESOURCES

Grief  in Children: A Handbook for Adults by A Dyregrov.
A short book which looks at children`s understanding of death and outlines practical ways in which adults can respond. Good as a general resource for teachers and support staff. Available from Jessica Kingsley Publishers Tel: 020 7833 2307. Cost £12.95

Grief and Bereavement: understanding children [0] by A Couldrick.
A booklet for adults to help them understand some of the ways children respond to grief. Available from the Child Bereavement Charity, online shop. Cost £3.00.