Seeing the body or not

Jenny was 13 when her Mum died - "I was really close to her and I didn't want to see her just go off without me saying goodbye." (from the DVD Someone Died -"It happened to me")

Whether or not to see the body of the person who has died is a difficult decision and one which is usually made by the adults closest to the children in the family. That's why this section is written with them in mind.

When you have the choice of including a child or teenager in whether or not to see the person who has died, you may find that you are unsure whether it would be helpful. It inevitably happens at a time when you too are struggling with feelings of disbelief and sadness. Even when we are expecting someone to die the actual death still comes as a shock and can seem unreal. When the death is sudden, it's even harder to decide what may be helpful for the children in the family. Seeing the person's body can help children begin to accept the reality of the death.

Each situation is individual and the person who knows the child is the best person to guide them in their decision. You may find however that other people have different views. It can be helpful to talk things through with someone outside the family.

Different Views

"Let them remember them how they were when they were alive"

"The children are too young, they'll get upset"

These are views held by many and are perfectly valid if the body is very changed by an accident.

Sarah in the DVD Someone Died -"It happened to me" was 15 when her Dad died, she says "1 don't think I missed anything great by not being able to see him. I don't see what good it would have done me." Whether or not seeing his body affected her grieving process is irrelevant, she made the decision and was happy with it years later.

Anthony, on the other hand, who was also 15 when his Dad died, would have found it outrageous to have been denied the opportunity.

It is more difficult when the children are younger. Some other cultures however find this dilemma incomprehensible as all children are included, however young they are, and are expected to participate in the rituals that take place when the body is prepared for burial. As a Sikh medical student said when he heard a colleague say that the children were too young and would be frightened -"Death is part of life, it cannot be ignored, it won't go away!"

Stephen was 8 when his much loved grandmother died. He combed her hair and went in and out of the hospital room several times before saying that he had said good-bye and would like to go home. He had reassured himself that she could not 'wake up' and chase him as she had done many times before. He left a small picture of himself on her pillow to take with her: he did not ask where she had gone but seemed happy to believe that she had gone somewhere.

Taking the children to say good-bye to the dead person

Some families will be clear whether they wish children to see the body or not. If they are unsure, it sometimes helps if children can make up their own minds. To do this, they need to know what the person will look like so preparing them is vitally important and should be thought through carefully. Young children need to have an explanation about what death is, that the person who has died can no longer feel cold or heat, hunger or pain, they won't need to go to the toilet or to sleep -they do not need their body any longer.

If children say they would like to see the body, it is important that an adult goes first to make sure that the person looks peaceful and to talk to the children about how a body changes temperature and becomes cold. They may need reassurance that's it's OK to touch or kiss the body or alternatively to keep their distance and look from the door.

Mark, who was 9 when his Dad died, insisted that he accompany his Mum to the undertaker to say good-bye. His 12 year old brother, Robert, was appalled at the idea so his Mum said "Come with us and stay in the car so that you can change your mind at the last minute if you want to.” Robert grumbled all the way, muttering “It’s gross!" When Mark came out leaving his Mum alone with his Dad, Robert suddenly decided to go in and see his Dad after all. Nothing was said on the way home, but their mother heard her boys telling their grandfather at the funeral that it had been good to see their Dad so peaceful. They had not wanted to visit him in hospital and see him so uncomfortable because of the chemotherapy he was receiving. It was important for them to be able to see him at peace, to say their goodbyes and to start the process of believing he had died.

If children decide not to see the body, they will need reassurance that this is OK and to be told that sometimes this is what adults also decide. It may be helpful to suggest that they could make a card or a picture which could be put in the coffin on their behalf.

So - every family will have their own views and make their own decisions -some children will not wish to see the body -other children, having been prepared and accompanied by someone whom they trust, have not found seeing the dead body an awful experience. Later in life they have been pleased that they were allowed to say goodbye.