Learning about loss

Can any of us ever be totally prepared for the death of someone important in our lives?

Probably not. But there are lots of things happening around us that can help us understand that loss and death are a part of life and a part of our learning as we grow up.

Have you ever had a pet that has died?
Pets like hamsters and guinea pigs don't usually live very long. When they die, we realise how upsetting it is and we just don’t want to believe what has happened. One of the ways children have ben helped when a pet dies is to be involved in choosing a place to bury them, thinking about ways to mark a grave and having a funeral. For all of us, choosing what we want to do can be helpful as it gives us some control when everything seems to be out of control.

Have you ever seen a dead bird?
Zack was 3 when he found his first dead bird. His Mum could have pulled him away but she didn't. Instead she explained that the bird could no longer fly, would never feel hungry or thirsty again, would not need to poo or wee, and would never feel cold or hot. The bird could be buried in the ground where it would join the grass and the flowers or it could be burnt when it would disappear through the smoke into the air, the wind and the sky. The questions Zack then asked, his Mum answered as honestly as she could.

Do you like reading books or watching DVDs?
Some books and films give you an idea of what it's like when someone dies. There are lots to choose from.

When someone important in your life is very ill and is not expected to live...
Ruby was 6 when her older brother Rowan died - "I was totally ready for it because Mummy had prepared me." (from the DVD Someone Died - "It happened to me")

Here's what some other children have said:

"It helps to know why everyone in the family is sad and worried because when you don't know what is happening you can't help thinking it's your fault"

"I wish I had known that Dad was so seriously ill, I wouldn't have made such a fuss about going to visit him in hospital."

"I should have been there when Mum died, everyone else was, why was I sent to my friend's house out of the way?"

It seems it's best for everyone to talk about what's happening as honestly as possible whenever they can - even if that means adults saying they don't have all the answers and they're also very worried.

One Dad whose wife was very ill in hospital said that it was helpful being told by the nurse that it was time to talk to the children about her dying. He asked his two little girls who were aged 6 and 8 if they were worried that Mummy was more poorly and might not come home again. The eldest replied "Do you mean that Mummy is going to die?" He was then able to say that she was not going to get better and would die. They then asked him who would look after them and the 6 year old child asked "Who will do my packed lunch?" He realised that they felt worried about what would happen to them and he was able to reassure them that he would be there afterwards and so was their aunt, and they would look after both girls. Later he said that telling them the truth then had helped them to trust him and ask often difficult questions.

When there's no time to prepare...
A sudden death is shocking and it shocks everyone concerned. People do the best they can at the time. Those who have been through this terrible experience have said that if it's possible to include everyone in the family in what has happened right from the beginning, it made it easier to help each other.

Duncan was 12 when his older brother had a car accident and died after two days in intensive care in hospital. Duncan's parents feel he couldn't believe his brother was dead because they decided not to take him to the hospital during those two days. Duncan, who is now 20, still feels angry that he was not given the chance to see his brother before he died and afterwards to say goodbye.

Sometimes, it is very difficult because it's not possible to see the dead person or to say good-bye. If an accident has damaged the person so badly, like a fire or a drowning, the person’s body may not be recognisable afterwards or may never be recovered. It's important then to find a way to make what has happened believable.

When someone dies it is called a bereavement and the feelings we have are called grief. Even when we feel numb we are still grieving. Grief is what we feel and mourning is what we do, and what can slowly help to make real inside us what has happened outside of us. For some people talking or drawing is a way to begin to really believe what's happened. Talking about your drawing with someone who cares and wants to spend time with you can be good. Making a special scrapbook about the things you've done as a family, and especially with the person who has died, can help us to remember the special times we’ve had together and support each other when it hurts. On the other hand you might not want to share your scrapbook and that's OK too. Some children find it hard to share how they feel, because they just don’t know.

A Mum called Tessa had to face the task of telling her children that their father had died at sea. After talking together they made up a memorial service that helped them remember their Dad and made him real to them again. Each child was encouraged to think what special thing they wanted to say and how they could express it in a poem, or music or drawing. Together they chose a place to plant a tree with their Dad's name beside it. They also made a special collage of pictures of their Dad when he was a boy, when he married their mum, when he became a father, and all through their life with him.

So - children need to be included when someone dies. If we are not told what's happening, we are left to imagine or make up what's going on and this can be more frightening and make children feel more alone and lonely. We can also feel guilty, that it's somehow our fault that the person has died. Being able to talk about what has happened and how we feel when we are ready does help. Talking about loss and death doesn't make it happen to us, but understanding a little about how people feel can make it less frightening. There is no right or wrong way to be and no-one has all the answers.