Going back to school or college

Many children find that going back to school after the death of someone important in their lives is an especially hard thing to manage even though a part of them just wants to get back to friends and the usual routines they know and feel secure with.

It is not easy to plan when and how you would like other children told about what has happened in your family; you may even feel that you don't want anyone to know. Although this is natural, it's not helpful and you will you’re your friends, teachers that understand and extra thoughtfulness. If they don't know what you are having to manage, they won't be able to help you.

These are some of the things other children have said were helpful and some that were not so helpful.

Things that were helpful...

Tanya says that the school were all in assembly when the other children were told about the death of her brother Teddy - "My best friend, Bethan, held my hand at that point which I thought was really supportive."

Fiona was 14 when her Mum died. Her teacher called round to her house a couple of days before Fiona was due to return to school and asked her what she would like the other children to know about her Mum and whether she, Fiona, wanted to be there when they were told. Together they decided that Fiona would arrive ten minutes after the others giving the teacher time to talk to the class. Fiona then joined them, slipping quietly into her place by her friend. She remembers going very red when she entered the classroom but is pleased they did things the way they had decided.

Andrew was 8 when his Dad died. He asked his Mum to tell his teacher that he would tell his classmates. She agreed that he should do so but stood beside him with her arm lightly resting upon his shoulder: He simply said to his class, "I've been away because my Dad was ill and now he is dead and I couldn't come back to school until we had his funeral." The children asked him what a funeral was like and he told them how the whole family came together to say goodbye to his Dad and that he had a grave in the churchyard that the family took flowers to.

All these children had been asked what they wanted and that was what they found helpful. You might not want to have things done like Tanya, Fiona, and Andrew but you can ask to talk it through with your parent and teacher.

Things that were not so helpful...

Sometimes people are afraid to say anything, sometimes people are impatient.

Lozzie, whose baby sister Chloe was stillborn, tells of being told off for losing a book. She says "I started crying and thinking about Chloe and the teacher goes 'Oh you don't have to be that sad just because you've lost someone' and I felt that's what bad is."

What happened to Lozzie reminds us that it can be very difficult to concentrate when such a lot is going on at home. Teachers also have a lot to think about and do sometimes forget that your life may be especially hard at the moment, you may be having to take on more responsibility at home, be helping out more than you used to or simply be feeling very confused by the changes that have occurred in your life.

Another thing that makes it hard for some young people is feeling a bit different and distant from your friends. You may want to join in but find that somehow you feel left out. This ia how grown-ups sometmes feel too. Some people are so afraid of death and someone close to them dying that they keep away from you because your grief will upset them. Children who have experienced this say that you soon find out who your real friends are. You could try telling your teacher if you feel alone. Your lonely feelings are natural but if you have a special friend, you could tell them how you are feeling and perhaps ask them to sit by you at lunch or stay by you in the playground.

Mark was 9 when his Dad died. He got into trouble because he started picking fights. His Mum realised that he felt 'different' from the other boys and angry that his dad had died, and helped Mark to see that picking fights wasn't a good way to get back into being part of the group. Gradually Mark was able to use his angry feelings in different ways - like setting up a game of football. He also started asking boys he liked to come home for tea occasionally so that home didn't feel quite so lonely.

So - it helps to talk through with someone how you would like the school to be told about the person in your life who has died. Although school can feel like a safe place to be, sometimes things may happen which make you feel upset. If this happens, try and tell someone, maybe the person who cares for you at home and someone at school as well - perhaps a teacher you feel comfortable with. Nobody can take away your hurt but they will be able to keep an eye out for you. You will not be the only person in school who is struggling with a changed life. Often children who have gone through this experience are the ones who make good friends as they have learnt how to manage their hurt, upset and sad feelings when someone very important in their life has died.