Funerals

Many of you reading this will already know that after someone dies we show our respect for them by coming together to say goodbye at a funeral. The family, friends and people who went to work or school with the person, gather at the home or in the church, synagogue or mosque to remember the life of the person who has died and to comfort each other.

The body of the person who has died is usually placed in a wooden box called a coffin. Sometimes the coffin is brought home before the funeral or people go to the funeral parlour to see the body and say goodbye. Families often lay flowers on the coffin.

The funeral service is usually led by someone - it may be a priest of minister or it can be a non-religious person. He or she may read prayers or special poems and often friends and family say a few words about the person who has died and sing hymns together because it helps us to hear and sing words of comfort that have been sung for hundreds of years by millions of people.

So you see that a funeral is a very important kind of ritual that takes place all over the world. It helps us to understand that the death has really happened even though we so badly want to turn the clock back to a time when everyone was together.

At times, because we feel so different and lost we asuddenly fill with tears even though we may try really hard to stop them, particularly if don’t want to cry in front of other people. It can feel embarrassing. Sometimes we would like to cry but find that we can't and that is hard but also normal and OK too. Some people find that they can only cry when they are alone or they find that they burst into tears unexpectedly at something that’s small and not even that important.

Sarah, aged 16, said -'I didn't really feel anything for the first 3 months. For the next 6 to 8 months I couldn't really handle myself or my feelings. Then after that it took me a long time and a lot of tears but I managed to calm down. Ever since then it’s been like a long road up a hill."

Burials and cremations

When a person dies, their body does not work any more, they no longer need air to breathe, water to drink, or food to eat. A dead body feels no pain, cold or warmth. The person may look like they are asleep but they are not asleep – they have died. Death is not like being asleep, because when we are asleep our body works very well.  When we are dead our bodies are not needed any more and need to be placed in a coffin and buried or cremated.

When the body is buried in the ground, it is mixed with the earth. When we cremate or burn a body, it is mixed with the air.  Whatever the family decide to do, it’s important to remember the dead person no longer needs their body.

After the funeral service, after the readings or prayers and singing or whatever the family has decided to do, as there are lots of different kinds of funerals families can choose, then the body in the coffin is buried or burned.

Do I have to go to the funeral?

If you understand about a funeral, you may decide you would like to be there with the family.  Some children say they wished they had been allowed to go. Others have said that they think they were too little at the time and are pleased they didn't go. What is important is that you know what the funeral is and why it is happening and that you can find someone you trust to answer any questions you might have.

What is a memorial service?

A memorial service is sometimes held after the funeral. Not every family chooses to do this but when they do, it is usually held a few weeks or months later. People come together to remember the life of the person who has died, people perhaps who live a long way away and who couldn't come to the funeral. It is often more about celebrating the life of the person who has died and where favourite music may be played and poetry and stories read out. Members of the family or friends may choose to speak in a way they didn't feel able to at the funeral because a little time has passed since the death.

It is very common for famous people to be remembered in this way, people like Princess Diana or politicians. But families may decide to hold this sort of service too.

Ruby was 6 when her older brother Rowan died. Lots and lots of his school friends came to his memorial service and his favourite music was played. His friends played their recorders and sang. Ruby remembers this as "The happy funeral".

What happens next?

It's quite natural to wonder what happens to the person who has died after death. What we believe depends very much on what our families believe, so the idea of being with Jesus in heaven may be comforting to one family and not at all true for another family. Some very unhelpful things can be told to children.

John aged 5 became frightened to go out to play in the garden for fear that Jesus would snatch him to join his brother, because he had been told his brother was so good that Jesus wanted him.

Children who grow up in other cultures may experience a strong family view of what death is and how it fits into a cycle of life. Muslim families believe in the will of Allah. In Sikh families, the eldest son always washes the body of the person who has died.

Whatever our culture, whatever our religion, spirituality is an important part of us all. It's about how we are able to be connected to others, our past and our future and the world around us.

What do we mean by heaven?

It is not unusual for people to say the person who has died has "gone to heaven" and they look towards the stars and the sky, but what do they mean? You might have heard people say 'It was heaven!" when talking about a wonderful experience - it can help to think of heaven as a place where there is no pain or hunger, where there is warmth and we are loved and cared for. Of course nothing answers the question "Why?"  No-one knows for certain what happens after we die - different people believe different things.

So - funerals need not be frightening, they are one of the ways we humans mark very important times and make them special. No-one be made to go, but children who do decide to be there are pleased they managed.