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Supporting a bereaved pupil

We are often at a loss to know what to say to a child or young person who has been bereaved and what we can do to help them. The following are brief guidelines on how to offer support.

 

Check out the facts and familiarise yourself with the circumstances surrounding the death. Communicate with the family and make sure that what you say will not conflict with the family’s wishes. 

 

Acknowledge what has happened and do not be afraid to use the word dead: “I was very sorry to hear of the death of your………. ”   If you find words difficult you can say a lot with just a touch.

 

Children and young people need honesty.  Although sometimes difficult, it is better to answer awkward questions truthfully.

 

Be prepared to listen, again and again and again.

 

Allow them to express emotion and feelings and do not be afraid to share your own feelings of sadness.

 

Do talk about the dead person and share any memories. The bereaved child may well need to do this. Ignoring the dead person is a denial that they ever existed.

 

Recognise the full tragedy. Do not try to comfort with comments such as “at least it is not as bad as………………………..” You might think this is helpful, it is not.

 

Reassure them that they are not responsible. It is very common for children and young people to feel that in some way they caused the death.

 

Give bereaved pupils time. It may be many months before they can fully cope with the pressures of school work. Remember that they will be grieving for life and the loss will always be with them.

 

Don’t assume that a lack of reaction means that they do not care. Initially, the full reality may not have sunk in. Young people can feel that they have to be seen to be coping as a sign of maturity.

 

Try not to judge. Grief is a very personal experience, every child and young person will do it their way.

 

SUPPORT IDEAS AND RESOURCES

Time Out Cards

The pupil is given permission to leave class for a short time when beginning to feel out of control or just to get some "personal space" when upset. A card is carried in their pocket and the pupil may leave the room without having to ask. It is important that staff are made aware to avoid embarrassing scenes for either the pupil or the teacher. It is essential that the pupil does not just wander around the school but goes to a designated place and person.

 

Pocket Comforter

A pupil can discretely carry in their pocket a soft piece of fabric or a pebble or stone. Holding onto something solid can help a pupil to remain grounded and in control if upset. Equally, touching a piece of garment that belonged to the dead person can provide a comforting memory.

 

Secret Diary

A way to communicate with a bereaved child who finds it difficult to verbalise feelings. The pupil leaves it somewhere mutually agreed having written or drawn whatever they wish. The teacher responds in the diary and either leaves it to be picked up or discretely returns it to the pupil.

 

Happy/Sad Faces

The bereaved pupil has a sheet of paper/paper plate with two drawings of faces on either side, one  happy, one sad. The pupil shows the side that reflects how they are feeling on a particular day. This gives the teacher an idea of how they are and therefore what approach to use.

 

I Can.......You Can...

A series of four postcards with ideas of how others can help. Titles include TO MY TEACHER...what you can do.. A helpful communication tool.

Available from The Childhood Bereavement Network Tel: 020 7843 6309

 

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