The funeral

Arranging a funeral for their child is something for which few parents have any preparation, but although it can be painful and distressing, it is an important step in the process of saying goodbye to a child who has died.

It can be helpful to take a few days to decide what is right for you as a family. You can choose to have a burial or cremation, a religious or non-religious service, in a church, at the graveside, in your home, or anywhere appropriate of your choice. There is no requirement for a religious minister to be involved. When a baby dies in hospital, the hospital can help or make the arrangements for you if you feel unable to do this yourself. It is helpful to find out what sort of funeral the hospital would provide. Usually, though, parents who have had time to think will choose to arrange the cremation or burial themselves.

If you wish to use the services of a funeral director, it can be a good idea to contact several funeral directors for an estimate of the costs involved, or to ask a friend to do this for you. Many funeral directors will not charge for their basic funeral service for a child. However, if you wish to have a burial, there will be a cost associated with purchasing a grave, which can be quite expensive in some areas. Should you wish to carry out the entirety of the funeral yourself, independent of a funeral director, the Cemetery and Crematorium Department of your local authority should be able to provide you with advice and guidance.  One  mother very much regretted not knowing that this was a possibility.  Click here to read her story.

If you are unhappy with the services provided or the prices you are asked to pay by a funeral director, and the funeral director is a member of NAFD or SAIF, you can use their conciliation service. Should this still not resolve the issue to your satisfaction, you can contact your local Citizens Advice or Trading Standards Office to find out about your rights under The Sale of Goods and Services Act 1982.

Not only are you likely to be feeling shocked and numb following the death of your baby or child, but you may be unaware of what is possible or the choices that are open to you. You may wish to make arrangements to dress your child and perhaps place them in their coffin. You might also wish to consider having your dead child at home for a time before the funeral, or to carry the coffin of your child at the funeral. Should you appoint them, funeral directors can assist in helping you make these arrangements too.

If there are other children in the family, it can help them if they are included in discussions about the funeral. Perhaps they might like to contribute a favourite song or poem or reading. Children feel more involved if they are offered the chance to attend the funeral or a special goodbye. It can help to talk to them about what happens at a funeral. Parents have found it a good idea to ask another adult who is close to the children to help support them if they do choose to come to the funeral.

The funeral is the family's opportunity to say their last goodbye to their child, and as such it is important that families are able to do things in whatever way feels appropriate to them, to their customs, culture and beliefs. A helpful book containing different ideas for services, songs and readings is 'Just My Reflection - helping parents to do things their way when their child dies' by Sister Frances Dominica, founder of Helen House Hospice in Oxford.  Another helpful book for these ideas is 'A Heartbeat Away' by Flappy Lane Fox, this book is available in our CBC Shop.