Ferzana Raffique

My husband and I were married in Pakistan, an arranged marriage according to my culture. Our first three pregnancies ended in early miscarriages, however I was delighted to find myself pregnant for a fourth time. It was a very frightening experience, but once I was past twelve weeks, I felt reassured.

At thirty-four weeks, tragedy struck. I had attended a routine antenatal appointment with my midwife, where she could not hear the fetal heart. I was referred to the hospital, where an intrauterine death was confirmed. My perfect son Taiyab was stillborn on 19^th February 1998. His name is taken from the first prayer of Islam, meaning ‘pure'. I always call him ‘Little One'.

The next hours, days, weeks and months were like being in a nightmare, emotionally.

What Helped?
Being able to spend time with him, as a family, although my husband and mother were in Pakistan, my family were very supportive. I have an album of pictures taken whilst we were in hospital, and at the funeral. I did not want to forget anything. They are very precious.

Having clear explanations, in words that I understood, of the tests which could be done, and having time to decide whether or not to have them done. I consented to a post-mortem because I did not want to regret not having it done in later years - possibly always wondering if something could have been discovered and would it affect my future as a mother. I was also aware that I wanted to it to help other people by giving the doctors the opportunity to gain information. The results of the post-mortem were explained to me. Taiyab was perfect, and they could find no reason for his death. Although his death was unexplained I do not regret making the decision to have a post-mortem.

Cultural Aspects
Although post-mortems are not permitted in Islam, I consented to the examination. I feel it is up to the individual to decide, rather than having assumptions made based upon religion.

Women are not encouraged to attend funerals, and there is no funeral prayer for children who have not breathed, but I needed to attend the funeral. I asked my father, who was not keen at first, then I phoned my mother in Pakistan, to ask her to persuade him. My father agreed, so I went along with my sisters. I also wanted some spiritual words spoken at the funeral. The hospital arranged this and the Hospital Anglican Chaplain lead the service. Again, not traditionally Islamic, but it was what I needed to do at the time.

Regrets
Really, my regrets are related to memories. I wish I had seen Taiyab naked, and immediately after the birth, and regret not seeing him following the post-mortem examination. I had been discouraged from doing so.

It is now 2003, and my life goes on. Since Taiyab was born, I have experienced a molar pregnancy and another early miscarriage.

In April 2002, I was blessed with a beautiful healthy baby girl - Saila Samone and am now a single parent, yet very independent!

I hope my contribution to this conference helps the participants to understand the patient's perspective. Despite being very nervous, I am doing this for my son, who I was always afraid of forgetting. I now know that this is not possible and he remains a huge part of my life.