Daniel Tse

My brother Jason was 9 years older than me and my hero, I looked up to him more than one would look up to a film star or a sporting legend. He did and had everything I wanted in life.

Jason and I were very close, we got along together as two best friends and had a bond which only brothers can have, although we did have our bad times especially with me being the annoying younger brother!

But I always knew that Jason loved me, he constantly protected me and guided me towards higher achievements, and it never crossed anyone's mind to pick on me, as they knew about my big brother. We also had so many things which we had in common such as musical taste, fashion sense and humour.

On Friday morning, August 30^th 1996, the single most worse experience in my life occurred. I remember the programme I was watching when I heard our doorbell ring. I turned the volume down on my television to hear who was at the door only to realise it was the police.

I've never reacted to quickly, I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the sound of my mother screaming and crying, she was shouting "Tell me he hasn't, tell me he hasn't". We didn't need the answer from the policewomen, we had already worked out that Jason had taken his own life.

By this point I was hysterical and attempting to comfort my Mum whilst looking for comfort myself, I just had a feeling which I find hard to explain, it just felt like I was suffocating and having a nightmare but of course this wasn't a nightmare and I had to face reality.

I just kept thinking about how I would never see my brother again, I'd never touch him again; I'd never speak to him again. He was just gone, gone forever and I couldn't stand it, I just felt so numb and sick. I still remember going to sleep at night crying and waking up in the morning not remembering for a second then realising and the tears started all over again.

For weeks I thought my brother was going to walk through the front door or call on the phone, I just couldn't fully accept that he wasn't coming back.

During this time we had a great deal of support from friends and family which initially sounds comforting and promising but even this proved to be a problem for me. I found myself so confused because things such as close family which I hadn't seen for many years due to the fact that they hadn't made much effort were turning up to stay with us, and I was so happy yet annoyed that it took something like this for them to finally come and see us.

Also our house was always so full with loved ones day and night and we were all getting along so well which was fantastic almost as if it was a

They say time heals, I do not believe it heals I think time makes things easier. You will never get over the loss of someone so close. I lost Jason 4 years ago and I would say that I've learned to copy with the situation, I don't cry every day and night but I certainly think about Jason every day and night without a doubt.

I find it very strange because it really doesn't feel like 4 years ago, it's only when I picture an event or something which happened over 3 years ago, that I realise that Jason wasn't there at that time, that always shocks me.

So yes, time does help, but you cannot just rely on time, there really are other methods to help you recover.

I'd like to share with you some of the ways which have helped me grow stronger through the loss of my brother. I understand that not all of you will be able to relate exactly the same but I do hope that you could maybe relate to my methods and adapt them to suit your situations.

I have never regarded myself lucky through all this, but I have had the advantage of being very similar to my brother and having the same interested as I mentioned earlier on. Because of this advantage I have been able to carry on as if living for my brother, doing things which I know he would have appreciated and enjoyed. Jason loved music as I do, and to this day I say that music has been my biggest guidance. If I was sad and upset I could listen to music which would relate to my feelings of sadness and it would help me realise that others have felt the same and if I needed cheering up, which I found more important. I would select music to help me feel motivated and more cheerful. This really did help and at the same time I knew Jason would have liked the music too. Now maybe you do not like music as much as me, or the one you have lost didn't appreciate music that much, but I am sure they had something which they really enjoyed and you could try and enjoy it for them, whilst gaining comfort for yourselves at the same time.

I also sing and play the guitar, this is something I enjoy doing in life. Jason knew this and I found great pleasure and satisfaction in writing a song for and about him. I know he would have liked it and it's an asset for me to know that I did something for him to be proud of.

I am sure there are many of you who are talented at something which you can express your feelings towards and dedicate for your loved one, this would help motivate you and give you a great feeling of achievement. Or maybe your loved one had a gift which you could also carry on and keep their interest alive. Now of course I realise that if your lost one was, let's say a policeman or fireman, and loved his work, you are not likely to just go and be a policeman or fireman, but maybe you could support their events or charities so that you know you are doing something that your loved one would have wanted. Personally I find this very rewarding and uplifting and I also hope that you can too.

I would like to thank you for listening to me. You must remember to keep talking and share your feelings with others because people can help if they know your problems and it is going to hurt more if you keep all your feelings trapped deep inside. Maybe one day you will help someone who is in your situation now, so try hard to be strong in order to help more survivors of the future.

You are never alone.