Expressing your feelings

We all grieve in different ways. Some people feel as though they can work through their grief quickly, but for most it is a long slow process.

Many people feel tearful and sad for many weeks and months after the death. Grieving can feel like being on a roller-coaster, up one minute,and down the next. It's hard to know what you will be feeling, but expressing your feelings helps the grieving process.

Talking and writing are just two ways of doing this as we show below. Creating an image, through paint, clay or other material can also be just as expressive of your feelings.

Talking

Talking can help you to understand your feelings more clearly and can help make them seem less overwhelming.

Talking to each other comes easily for some couples, but for others it is much harder. Some people prefer to grieve on their own. Also, some people, particularly fathers, are worried that talking might make it harder for their partner to cope. Yet usually it is the talking that makes it bearable.

Grieving can put a strain on your relationship when your baby or child has died. Because your feelings are so strong and so overwhelming, it is hard to find any energy left over to care for each other. Grieving is very exhausting. You may also find yourself getting angry with your partner and arguing a lot. These arguments may be caused by the feelings associated with the loss of your child.

You may also be worried that your feelings about sex are different. For some people, making love can be a way of getting close to their partner again, while others may find it a painful reminder of what they have lost.

If you feel unable to communicate with each other and your relationship is in difficulty, it can be useful to ask for help.

Finding Someone Else to Talk To

If a couple feel unable to communicate with each other and their relationship is in difficulty, it can be useful to ask for help. A grieving mother or father may find themselves unable to talk to their partner, family or friends in the way they need to. There are a number of other people that they can speak to. These include:

• A briefender from a local support group
• A helpline
• A professional such as your community midwife, health visitor or doctor
• A local minister, priest, hospital chaplain or religious leader
• A counsellor - these are people who are trained to listen to you and understand your needs. If your child died in hospital, there may be a counsellor at the hospital you could speak to. Your GP may also be able to put you in touch with a counsellor. If you would like to contact a counsellor privately, you can get details from The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.
• It can be helpful for parents to try at times to be with someone who will listen to their feelings for as long as they need. Only they can know how they are feeling. For fathers, it can be particularly hard as they may go back to work soon after their baby has died and people may tend only to ask them how their partner is feeling. Talking can help us understand our feelings more clearly and can help make them seem less overwhelming.

Writing About Your Child

You might like to write a poem or story about your child or your pregnancy. Or you may like to write to your partner to express some of your feelings. Remember, your writing doesn't have to be perfect and you don't need to show it to anyone else unless you want to. You may also like to read other families' stories.