The death of a baby is an event no parent ever forgets, a time of intense anguish and sorrow. When a baby lives only a short time or dies before birth due to miscarriage, stillbirth or a painful decision to end the pregnancy, there is a common assumption that the loss is not important. This is simply not the case. The intensity of love parents feel for their baby is not measurable in weeks and months gestation, but in the emotional investment they have in this child.

Parents who are expecting a new life find themselves facing death, and accepting the reality of that emotionally, when a mother has physically given birth to a baby, is immensely difficult. Mothers will experience all the normal post-natal reactions which may be especially distressing because their baby has died.

When a baby dies at birth, medical attention - by necessity - inevitably focuses on the mother, but it is important to remember that there are often two parents involved. When a baby dies, fathers often have a great deal to manage. Not only are they grieving for their baby but their concern for their partner makes this a very difficult time. Often they may be asked how the baby’s mother is rather than how they as fathers are feeling themselves. Often fathers have to do much of the telephoning, the registering of the birth and death and organising practical arrangements. Some find this keeps them busy, gives them a role and is therefore helpful. Others feel that they have no time or space to grieve. Society is likely to dictate that men should be strong, always ready and able to do the supporting - but fathers too have lost their baby and will need to find ways to express their grief. They too need support and care. In circumstances when a baby has not come home it may be particularly important to parents that others understand the significance of their loss. Acknowledgement by others that their baby existed will help recognise their role as parents and the place of their baby in their family.

You may find our information sheets Special Babies, Special Care and Baby Loss useful.